Why do i fink of ways to hurt meself all day every day but dont want to kill meself or have help from any 1?

i want me life back i dnt knw why but iv turned into some 1 im not, iv never laid a finger on any 1 and never would im to soft but why do i allways hurt meself and why does it make me feel better, im embarased to tel my mum as she might hate me, but wen i cut meself i feel happy and relieved , does this mean im depressed or fed up or am i just goin through a rough patch, i carnt tel me gp as il get sectiond, he doesnt knw that iv been taking large ammounts of morphine and codiene as it seems to calm me down advice ??? no sarcastic comments